bUGLYbLOG

bUGLYbLOG’s recommended places to punch someone if they cut you in line at the local BestBuy

1) In the breadbasket. In the event you get arrested, be sure to use the term “breadbasket” in your written statement.

2) In the neck. If I could go back in time, like way back, I’m talking second grade here, I would punch the first kid in the neck who gave me crap about wearing generic parachute pants (They were made by Panasonic…..yep, the same Panasonic that makes crappy electronics made my parachute pants.) Anyway, I think it would be cool to be known as a neck puncher. I bet it would have improved my draft position in kick ball games……

Captain of the first team: I’ll take Wanda

Captain of the second team: Okay, I’ll take the Neck Puncher

3) In the coconuts. To be honest, I have never been a fan of the coconut puncher. Most of the time I was the one getting punched in the coconuts. I think the worst time I ever got punched in the coconuts was in third grade. I was walking to the water fountain and Scott (no clue what his last name was, but I’m pretty sure his dad was also his great uncle) socked me in the juju beans (synonym for coconuts). It wasn’t pleasant to say the least. Even more displeasing than getting punched in the gorgonzola’s (another synonym for coconuts) was explaining to my female teacher, Mrs. Bowers, why I was hunched over crying while holding my bumbo’s (synonym numero tres for coconuts)

bUGLYbLOG’s recommended tunes fo the week, fool

Public Enemy’s How You Sell Soul to Soulless People Who Sold Their Soul- Chuck Dangerous is back again with another hit record. Sure, this one ain’t Fear of a Black Planet or It Takes a Nation of Millions to Hold Us Back, but as always Chuck has made another record that’s timely and relevant. And the beats are still there. Check out “Harder tha you think”, “Can you hear me now”, and the albums title track.

“YOU DONT STAND FOR SOMETHING,YOU FALL FOR ANYTHING,
HARDER THAN YOU THINK, ITS A BEAUTIFUL THING”

Pilot Speed’s Into the West- I recently went and saw the new Kevin Bacon “Death Sentence” movie. It sucked, but the soundtrack was pretty cool. Anyway, Pilot Speed is one of the featured artists on the soundtrack. They sound like Coldplay and/or Snow Patrol and the lead singer is a dead ringer for U2’s Bono (albeit with a slight lisp). If you can iTunes it, listen to “Barely Listening”, “Alright”, and “Ambulance”. The Black Angel’s are also on the soundtrack. I will probably give them a listen later this week, as long as I don’t get covered up with punching people in the neck.

bUGLYbLOG’s recommended pants comments for the week

1) Anyday you have to wear pants is a bad day. I think this is my new motto. I need to win the lottery. My promise to you is that I will never wear pants again if I win the lottery (except for the occassional funeral or when I want to go shirtless).

2) The next time I get a call from a phone sales dude or dudette, I am going to break in this new routine. Here’s how its going to go….

Telemarketer: Hi, are you interested in blah blah blah

Me: Guess why I’m not wearing shoes?

Telemarketer: I dunno, why?

Me: Cause I had to remove them so I could take off my pants. (After this comment I will remain silent until they hang up)

I went to the grocery store this evening to get milk and some cat litter. When it comes to cat litter, I make my decision based on one factor only, price. Which ever one is the cheapest is the one I come home with. I never even look at the label or the particular brands features. Honestly, it could be shards of radioactive glass in a plastic tub and I wouldn’t know till it came time to fill up the box again. Tonight, however, I did take a peek at the label as I picked it up to put it in my shopping cart. It was called Kitty Pride cat litter. I find it ironic that the cheapest cat litter has the word pride in its name.

So, Captain America is dead. I’ll tell you, I never really was a comic book kid growing up - too much reading was involved to get me interested. I did collect Usagi Yojimbo for a bit and occassionally I would grab an Iron Man (just thought his armor was cool looking) or Groo the Wanderer. As for Spidey, Hulk, or Captain America though, they just never appealled to me. I find it strange that this Captain America thing is such a huge deal. His death was covered on MSNBC for goodness sake (I probably shouldn’t be too surprised, there isn’t a day that goes by where there isn’t a story about Anna Nicole Smith’s death). Reading some of reactions on the various webzines has proved to be entertaining though. Here is my favorite comment (posted by Mr. Designer on Wired’s “Marval Comics Feel My Wrath!” comment section):

“I’m glad he is dead. Even when I was young I thought Captain America was a boring douche bag. ”

Priceless.

bUGLYbLOG’s free advice for the professional man..

• My last job was downtown. One night after work one of my coworkers, lets call him Mark (completely made up of course), decided to hit the bar down the street before heading home for the night. After probably a few more drinks than he originally planned for, Mark was back at the office alone, and hungry. To make a long story short, he found a turkey sandwich in the company frig and ate it. It wasn’t his sandwich. Being a little drunk, he thought it would be funny to construct a letter from a fictional character called the “sandwich fairy” and place it in the empty sandwich bag. When I arrived the next morning, unaware of Mark’s actions from the previous night, crap had already started to hit the fan. The owner of the sandwich, a lady in her mid forties, was nearly in tears as she reported the incident to the branch manager. Apparently her husband had made the sandwich for her as an expression of his love. She, just as everyone else in the branch, knew that Mark had done it. The branch manager, who also knew without question that Mark had done it, confronted him and asked if he had eaten the sandwich. Mark said no. He never caved. Never even floundered for a moment. I think he even tried to appear appalled with the accusation. This was the least perfect crime ever. A couple days later I asked him about the incident. He mentioned that it was a pretty good sandwich. It’s never a good idea to try and cover up eating a co-workers sandwich by leaving a letter in empty bag signed by the sandwich fairy. It is, however, a good idea to deny you ate it even when everyone in the office knows that you did.

bUGLYbLOG recommended tunes for the week…

• Meds by Placebo - I picked up the Meds CD this week from my local Best Buy. I got the version with the three bonus tracks, which also happened to be cheaper than the one without the bonus tracks. This is one of those CD’s that you can play beginning to end and be satisfied. I have some favorites, like “Because I Want You“, “Infra-red“, and “Meds“, but the whole album is great. Even the bonus track “Running Up That Hill” is great.

bUGLYbLOG sports desk update…

• How bout the Vols! We are 16-0 at home for the first time since 1975-76, we have a player of the year candidate in Chris Lofton, we are essentially guaranteed a trip to the big dance, and we have only one senior. Aren’t we a football school?
• There are some boxers that may have used some steroids. Get outta here…
• I still have four years of eligibility left - let the bidding begin.

Top three bUGLY recommended books for the week:

1. Killing Pablo by Mark Bowden. This is a great book about the extraordinary, if not violent, life of Pablo Escobar. The cash flow this guy was pulling in the 70’s from his cocaine empire was ridiculous (at his apex he was listed as the seventh richest man in the world by Forbes magazine). Read it!
2. Nine Stories by J.D. Salinger. This is no “Catcher in the Rye”, but its still quite impressive. If you have a few minutes while kicking it in the Barnes & Noble Starbucks, grab this book and read the first story ” A perfect day for bananafish”. Ole Seymour will shock you, no doubt about it. To be honest, if my name was Seymour I’d probably end up doing the same thing.
3. Cod: A biography of the fish that changed the world by Mark Kurlansky. I don’t know what to say here. I was getting ready to jump on a flight to Dallas, it was a small book, and I had recently watched the all day marathon of “The Deadliest Catch” series on the Discovery channel. I’ll call it the perfect storm for purchasing a book titled “Cod”. Anyway, a great read. I think I am going to read Marks other book titled “Salt” soon. By the way, who gets fired up about researching cod and salt? I bet he sucked at kickball as a youngster.

Top three bUGLY recommended links for the week:

1. NOTCOT - “A visual filtration of idea + aesthetics + amusement”. What can I say here. I like to get the scoop on emerging trends, gizmos, and gadgets. I have a terrible sense of fashion (lying of course in efforts to sound humble) and have no eye for art, but this sight is visually appealing to me and they do have some pretty cool stuff on the site form time to time.
2. UFCJunkie - A great site for all things UFC. This site is updated multiple times a day, and seems to get information either before or around the same time as some of the other mixed martial arts sites.
3. bUGLYbLOG - This guy is pure genius. He’s funny, attractive, and can write the hell out of a childrens story. Whether your wanting to feel bad about you lack of creativity or attractiveness, or wanting to know what cool guys like to blog about, the bUGLYbLOG is for you. Oh yeah, the velvet mantis is an excellent speller as well, if thats what makes your head spin. I heard the dude invented corn.

The top three bUGLY sports stories of the week:

1. The NBA all star game sucks. It is now officially on par with the NFL pro bowl. I realize the pro bowl is going to suck each year because there are no guaranteed contracts in the NFL, but what excuse does the NBA all star game have. Shaq was an all star. What gives, he’s played in like 4 games this year. Oh well, I think I remember Craig Hodges participating in the three point shootout after he had been booted out of the league. The Barkley vs Bevatta race was nice though.
2. Go Vols - Nothing like falling right back off the tracks with a throttling by the Gamecocks. A total of 9 points combined from Chism and Crews is a little disconcerting. I realize they are freshman, but they dropped 20 on the Gamecocks the first time around.
3. I heard a Hyundai won the Daytona 500 this past weekend. Okay, I’m lyin. I gotta say I have been more interested in Dale Jr.’s battle with his step mom than I have been with the actual racing. If Dale Jr. has a son and names him Dale, will he be Dale Sophomore? Don’t give me that “the third” crap, it doesn’t make sense. I expect that if Dale Sophomore has a boy, he needs to be referred to as Dale Freshman.

bUGLY bonus… I went to the Cracker Barrel tonight for dinner. In your face.

Top three bUGLY questions about science fiction movies.

1) Did Chewbacca shed? I don’t remember seeing a bunch of wookee hair all over the Millennium Falcon. I would guess that Han wouldn’t have taken kindly to wookee hair in the cockpit. Definitely coulda affected the Falcon’s resale value.

2) What’s the deal with everyone wearing the same thing in science fiction movies? There are a few exceptions, but for the most part it looks like everyone bought their clothes at the same place. And, most the time they are wearing the same outfit for the entire movie, even if the story takes place over several days, months, or years. I have a million galactic credit idea (million cubits idea for you Battlestar Galactica folks). Somebody should have opened a Gap or a Banana Republic, or even a J. Crew on Coruscant, Rigel VII, or Osiris. Forget running spice illegally all over the ‘dad blame’ galaxy. With Hans charisma and ability to look cool wearing leather pants (blackasylum.net’s opinion, not mine), he could have made a killing managing Ambercrombie and Fitch stores. You know Lando would have cut him a deal on some prime commerical realestate on Cloud City. How many ladies would be pining for Lobot’s affections if he had a nice weathered zipper hoodie to cover his cranium jewelry when not on the job. Talk about a confidence builder.

3) What ever happened to Pizza? Honestly, I can’t go a month without eating pizza, seeing a pizza box sticking out of a garbage can at one of my buddies houses, or receiving a pizza coupon in the mail. So, I ask you, where has all the pizza gone in the future (if Star Wars, Star Trek, Logans Run, etc.. are the future). Hell, what ever happened to Italian, Mexican, or even German food? The camera’s needed to follow Count Doku around a little more. Judging by his girth, he had access to some Italian food.

Top three bUGLY songs of the week.

1) Gimme Shelter - Rolling Stones. I’ll be honest, the freakin promo commericial for the “Departed” DVD release has this song playing in the background and that’s what got me to buy it (stupid ear worm). I like to listen to this song while driving to the store to pick up similac and diapers. That’s is the way in which I roll.

2) Kings Crossing - Elliot Smith. Good stuff. His death was a terrible loss. Why is it that we have lost artists like Smith, Jeff Buckley, and Kurt Cobain, but Sebastian Bach is still cutting records?

3) Storm Coming - Gnarls Barkley. I liked Crazy enough to get the album, but this is becoming my favorite song on St. Elsewhere. Right before I get my Pong (as in ping, biznatches) on, I like to fire up a little Storm Coming.

That’s it for this week.

Three bULGY football factoids

1) Number of Univeristy of Tennessee running backs starting in the NFL? 3 - Cedric Houston (Jets), Jamal Lewis (Ravens), Travis Henry (Titans)

2) Number of SEC running backs starting in the NFL? 10 - Ronnie Brown (Miami - Auburn) Rudi Johnson (Cincinnati - Auburn), Joseph Addai (Indy - LSU), Fred Taylor (Jacksonville - Florida), Travis Henry (Tennessee - Tennessee), Duece Mccallister (New Orleans - Ole Miss), Carnell Williams (Tampa Bay - Auburn), Shawn Alexander (Seattle - Alabama), Cedric Houston (NYJ - Tennessee), Jamal Lewis (Baltimore - Tennessee). Deshawn Foster, another starter, played at Alabama before transferring to UCLA.

3) Number of times I’ve accidently walked into the womens restroom at a University of Tennessee football game? 1

bUGLY recommended business venture

Start up a womens magazine called Cuticle. Position it as the pottery barn for the working womens cubicle. Sell staplers, tape dispensers, and lamps at a ridiculously high price. Be sure to hire the jackass from Volkwagon who had the idea of putting a vase in the bug.

bUGLY top three recommended CD’s for the week

1) Combat Rock from The Clash - This is a no brainer. I pretty much can listen to this album any damn day. If you’re trying to get off coffee in the morning, just pop in Car Jamming and let it get you going (the drums are freakin awesome in this cut). Be sure to check out Red Angel Dragnet as well - its more spoken word than song but is still a must hear. And everyone has heard Casbah and Should I Stay or Should I Go, so don’t forget about them.

2) Power to the People and the Beats from Public Enemy - This is a greatest hits CD pure and simple. Shut’em Down is one of the selected tracks. I used to love this song. In highschool I always wanted this to be my church league hoops team theme song. It would have been perfect except we didn’t play exceptional defense and we had a pretty spotty win/loss record. Segway - My favorite highlight for the season was stealing the ball, passing it to the coaches son, and seeing it slip through his hands in route in unplugging the scoreboard. I think we were down by forty at the time, but no one could remember the score. I believe that turnover ended up being a 20 point play for us. God Bless J.O…. Anyway, back to business. This release has em all - He Got Game, Fight the Power, Don’t Believe the Hype, etc etc. Go get it and shut your cake hole, brotha.

“I like Nike but wait a minite
The neighborhood supports so put some
Money in it
Corporations owe
Dey gotta give up the dough
To da town
or else
We gotta shut ‘em down”

3) Hands All Over from SoundGarden - This is not an album, just a single. I honestly can’t remember the name of the album this is off of, but it’s the one before Badmotorfinger. iTunes has it on the A-sides (greatest hits) CD. This is a great song and it shows the strength of Cornells pipes as good as anything else by SoundGarden or AudioSlave.

4) Bonus single - The Saint from D.I. - I can’t find this song or CD (team goon? I think) anywhere. I had it when I was in highschool and loved it. iTunes doesn’t have it, and I have not had any luck finding it at the Disc Exchange, ebay, amazon, or anywhere. If you see it, give it a shot. D.I. and The Exploited got some major rotation in the ole Chevy Sprint back in the day. Man, I am cool.

Three UFC Fights I would like to see:

Hermes Franca vs Sean Sherk - Well, this one is going to happen. I saw the replay of the Franca Fisher fight that went off (tip to TJ De Santis) last Thursday and sure, Hermes was a little reckless, but his strikes look heavy. When he finally connected with Fishers jaw, it was lights out. With that said, Sherk’s probably going to win this fight, but I would like to see Hermes land a couple strikes to see what kind of chin Sean has.

Forrest Griffin vs Rashad Evans - Rashad flat out cleaned Salmons clock on Thursday (he’s okay by the way), but before that kick found pay dirt Evans didn’t look like a real contender for Liddells belt. I’m not sold. I honestly only want to see this fight because this division is a little crowded right now. If Forrest loses, well that would be two in a row and although he’s a fan favorite, the big pay day will fall farther from his grasp. He may be relegated to Chris Leban status (interpret that anyway you want). If Rashad loses, I wouldn’t even expect to see him headlining a T.V. event, much less a pay per view. The reason I am talking money is because that is what the UFC appears to be about (which is fine). If you aren’t a marketable personality, your road to the top will be a difficult and probably unsuccessful one.

Heath Herring vs. Nobody - I listened to Heath on an episode of Beatdown and I was excited about seeing this guy fight. After Thursday nights fight, I am wondering if this guy should be in the WWF or something. This was probably the most underwhelming fight I have seen the UFC promote. Aside from his intro and crazy hair (both of which would translate well to the fake wrestling leagues), it was a bore fest. Josh Gross mentioned that someone from Herrings camp said he had a real bad knee injury 3 weeks before the fight (he was sporting a knee brace), so maybe that’s why he sucked so bad. Regardless, I have no interest in seeing this guy fight again.

bUGLY recommended music for this week:

“World Apart” by “And You Will Know Us by the Trail of the Dead“ - I found these guys through LastFm by searching for groups similar to “At the Drive In”. Anyway, very good stuff here. My favorite cuts from this album include “Will you smile again for me”, “Worlds apart”, and “Let it drive”. Weird, but they sound like a mixture of Hum and Social Distortion to me. For instance, the vocals from “Will you…” and “Worlds Apart” sound similar to Social Distortions “Ball and Chain” hit, but “Let it drive” sounds just like the dude from Hum (Pick any song from “You’d prefer an Astronaut”).

This week in sports:

No joke, the NHL all-star game was this past week. Sidney Crosby may very well be the second coming of the “Great One”, and nobody is watching.

How many head coaches in the SEC have won a national championship as a head coach? 5 Fulmer - Tennessee, Spurrier - South Carolina (won at Florida), Tuberville - Auburn (I know I know, but he got ripped, so I’m giving him credit), Saban - Alabama (won at LSU), Urban Meyer - Florida.

Now, compare that to the Big Ten: 3 The Vest - Ohio State, Lloyd Carr - Michigan, Joe Paterno - Penn State
ACC: 2 Bowden - FSU, Davis - North Carolina (Won at Miami)
PAC Ten: 1 Pete Carroll - USC

Big 12: 2 Mac Brown - Texas, Bob Stoopes - Oklahoma

Is there any question that the SEC is the premier college football conference? I think not.

Kevin Garnett drops 44 on the Suns and ends their win streak. Wow! By the way, what ever happened to Troy Hudson. Did he go the way of Mike Bibby? (One good great playoff series and then never heard from again).

Bob Sanders - Terrible first name for a elite NFL difference maker.

RIP Barbaro.

bUGLY top three recommended podcasts

This Week in Tech - I’m not breaking any new ground here. This is one of the more popular podcasts on iTunes and I listen to it every single week. The lineup of Leo, Dvorak, Norton, and Rose is my favorite, but its generally pretty good no matter who shows up.

The BeatDown - Lately this is the one I look forward to the most. I’ll admit it, I am all caught up in the mixed martial arts sport right now (I watch, I do not participate). The BeatDown is a weekly podcast hosted by Josh Gross and TJ De Santis. Each episode usually has a couple of interviews and a listener mail segment. Well produced and very informative. If you watch the UFC or Pride, its a can’t miss.

The Bitterest Pill - This is Dan Klass’s personal podcast. Dan is a great story teller and I enjoy/relate to his type of humor. I highly recommend his podcast about the “SnickerDoodle”. Good Stuff.

bUGLY top three recommended CD’s for the week

Killers by Iron Maiden - I picked this up this week at Best Buy. I loved Iron Maiden in junior high school. I think I wore out their “Piece of Mind” album one summer just listening to it while walking my paper route. Lousteau introduced me to Maiden and I am forever indebted. Anyway, I had this album at one point but lost it several years ago. Its a definite repurchase. The song “Purgatory” makes me want to be a drummer. Please take me away, take me away, so far away….

Wincing the Night Away by The Shins - I just picked this up tonight so I can’t really comment on whether or not its any good. However, the last two were excellent so I feel pretty comfortable advising my fellow reader(s) to go pick this one up. I want to admit that I had no idea who these guys were until I saw the movie Garden State. So, yeah, I guess I am jumping on the band wagon but at least I am handsome enough to admit it. They changed my life (wink wink).

Jalamanta by Brant Bjork - Excellent excellent album. I have to give credit to the folks over at Lastfm for this find. I think I heard about Lastfm on Boing Boing or LifeHacker or maybe even Digg. Anyway, its a social music site where you can enter a band you like and it (the site) will return with a list of artists that you may want to check out. Anyway, I entered Clutch and it returned Brant Bjork. Definitely check it out. My favorite cuts on the album are “Let’s Get Chinese Eyes” and “Toot”.

bUGLY top three questions from the hit T.V. show Heroes.

When did schizophrenia become a super power? Nikki really got the shaft. One guy got the power of flight, another got invisibility, and she got multiple personalities.

The cheerleader (Claire) has the power of invincibility. So far we have seen her jump off a tower, take a stick to the back of the noggin, and put her hand in the garbage disposal; each time resulting in a quick heal with no side effects. Is she invulnerable to heart disease and high cholesterol too? It would be a bummer to survive a plane crash but stroke out after eating a cheeseburger. We’ll know for sure if we catch her downing a Crestor in a future episode.
What super power does the cheerleaders father have? I can’t seem to figure this one out yet, but from the looks of the guy my gut feeling is his super power is being a pervert. Don’t be surprised if this guy makes a cameo on NBC’s other hit, perverted justice. I’m starting to think he wants more than just the list of genetic misfits from ole Mohinder.

Bonus Question - What’s up with Nathan Petrelli’s dew? I just don’t understand what’s going on there. His character is supposed to be a rich guy but he looks like he gets his rug cut at Super Cuts.

Outtie Five Thoutie…..

So, I have been pretty busy as of late and haven’t had much time to write (this is probably the most over used phrase within the blog community). However, I hope to at least add something every Tuesday. I am going to call it (see above) the Mass Media Update. This is the Killers edition. So, I picked up the new Killers album titled “Sam’s Town” this week. I liked the first one enough to warrant this purchase and so far I have been pretty impressed. I really like the single “When you were young”, but the title track is also getting some heavy play in the ole iPod. I also picked up Beck’s new release as well as Amputechture from the Mars Volta. I suggest that all of you l33t bitches should go pick these gems up at your local record store (don’t iTunes it, buy it. iTunes is only for singles fool).

What else is new, the Raiders still suck. What the hell? You have two of the top ten receivers in the league on your team, but can’t get them the ball. Where is Jerry Porter? If you ain’t gonna play him, trade him for anything, something, a freakin special teams player, whatever. As for Randy Moss, I’m not buying that his skills have diminished. We have a crappy o-line and an equally crappy set of quarterbacks. Its no wonder Randy isn’t getting any balls. I feel uncomfortable writing that last sentence. However, we could at least throw some jump balls to him. Put pressure on him to either go get it or break up an interception. Randys still got some nice hair though. It’ll be a shame if he jets out of Oakland. Randy is the embodiment of what a Raider is -or was. Hes freakin lights out in the skill department, hes got a swagger, and he has some baggage. However, lately its looking like Warren Sapp is the face of the Raiders. Old, worn out, over-rated, and just looking to collect a paycheck. Al, where is the commitment to excellence you once spoke of. By the way, I heard the guy working the Hilton front desk in Sacramento can draw up a mean offense (I’m thinking Art is second guessing his choice for an offensive coordinator - maybe ex bed and breakfast owners is not a good pool to pull from).

I’m thinking of building a late night tv studio in my unfinished basement. Maybe have some of my neighbors come over and discuss hot topics such as who is the worst at maintaining their lawn (me), or tips to prevent the neighbors cat (my cat of course) from cutting a duece in your childs sandbox. My cat eats very narly looking food by the way. Iams cat food looks like they stuck a salmon in a blender and poured it into a tin can. My cat eats it up though. She also licks her rear, so go figure.

By the way, Iron Maiden has a new album in the top forty. I personally loved “Peice of Mind”, but that was back when jeans jackets with metal band pins on the front was cool. I can’t imagine I would like the new stuff. After “Somewhere in Time”, I figured they were done. I will say this though, nobody can play the bass like Steve Harris.

“Thinking of an age old dream, places I have never seen,

Fantasies lived times before.

I split my brain, melt through the floor.”
(Purgatory.Iron Maiden)

I’m reading “Into the Wild” by John Krakauer right now. Pretty cool. Chris McCandless burned his money, ditched his car, and walked into the bitter cold wilderness of Alaska with a .22 rifle and a bag of rice. A few months later a hunter found his body in an abandoned bus. Chris was an interesting guy who did not waiver on what he wanted out of life. Lots of info on the web about him - check the wiki out.

More to come.