bUGLYbLOG

I went to the movies this past weekend and saw “Zodiac”. I wanted to see “Wild Hogs”, but it was sold out almost an hour before show time. Something that was surprising to me was that “Wild Hogs” appeared to attract a significant portion of Knoxville’s motorcycle dudes. I never knew they, the motorcycle dudes, were so punctual. Anyway, when I got there I decided to get some Skittles and a Coke (in case your asking, I am in peak physical shape - I take my pong seriously folks). You’ve seen movie candy. It always comes in some huge box. Unless its your first time purchasing movie candy, you know the big box is just a ruse.

The first time I got shafted by the illusion of the big box, I think I was probably 9 or 10. It was at the Grove Center Theater in Oak Ridge. For the next ten years I made a point to stop by the gas station next door and get my candy before any movie trips (my buddy Jack’s step brother got nailed for trying to bring a 20oz coke into the place, they actually patted him down as he tried to enter.) Well, now I am an adult and my wife thinks smuggling candy into the theater is obnoxious, not smart or crafty (the words I use to describe it). Getting to the point… I decided to have a candy-off. I wanted to basically perform an analysis between movie candy and their gas station counterparts. Lets get started…..

Example A - Movie Skittles (4 Bucks, ~170 Skittles, Tasty)

Example B - Gas Station Skittles (79 cents, ~92 Skittles, also Tasty)

Example C. Empty Sugar Babies Bag - Not Really Relevant but I like Sugar Babies

This concludes my in depth analysis. Yep, thats it. Just some pictures. To be honest, I got kinda bored after I took the pictures. I was actually getting bored taking the pictures. I actually did count the Skittles in each package, but I forgot to write the totals down. Again, b/c it was boring. I have since eaten all the Skittles. My dog helped. My dog likes Skittles. My wife does not like my dog to have Skittles on the carpet. I forgot this piece of information. I told my wife I had no clue why there was a rainbow of colors on our bonus rooms carpet. I don’t think she believed me. I continued to deny my involvement. She had no real proof until I told her I gave our dog some Skittles (I forgot I was trying to hide this information - and I thought it was a cute anecdote to share with her). I am not allowed to give Skittles to the dog anymore. I am also not allowed to pull my pants up real high and mimic the guy’s voice from the movie Sling Blade. That isn’t really related to this story.

After lunch today I had to go over to the local bookstore and pick up a book for my job (Gorilla Suit: My Adventures in Body Building by Bob Paris). I walked in, made my selection, and proceeded to the checkout counter. Just as I was walking out, an old lady walked in and attempted to get the attention of one of the bookstores’ employees. Here is the conversation that took place between the two:

Old Lady: Excuse me mam…

Bookstore Clerk: (Turns around)

Old Lady: Oh, I’m sorry, Sir…

Bookstore Clerk: You had it right the first time.

Let’s dissect this. The old lady begins the conversation with a simple “Excuse me mam”. As the clerk turns around to assist, the old lady, thinking she had made a mistake with regard to the clerks gender, attempts to apologize with a “Oh, sorry, Sir”. At this point the clerk advises that the old lady “had it right the first time”. All of this taking place in front of me and three of my coworkers that were in tow. So, not only has this clerk been accosted by way of gender misclassification by the old lady, she was done so in front of four witnesses. Now heres the cherry on top, the clerk still had to help the old lady with what ever she was needing in the first place.

Not necessarily as interesting as the story above, but I also found out they have a bathroom at the Radio Shack where I live. Why is this? The Radio Shack store sells things like batteries and transducers, why do they need a bathroom. Don’t give me any of the crap like “where are the dudes who work there supposed to go to the can?”. The bagel shop next store, that’s where. Anyway, I was there to buy a new soldering iron since my buddy Doodle broke mine and lost my solder. Just as I was bending, at the knees, to grab some high tech silver bearing solder, one of the Radio Shack employees came shooting out of the bathroom, which to my surprise, was right behind me. The door hit me in the keister and nearly pushed me into a stack of Digital Soldering Stations with Detachable Stands. As the guy came out he immediately went to his manager to talk about…well..hmmm.. I wasn’t sure. All I heard was his manager telling the guy he couldn’t go home but that was sorry he was feeling bad.

Well guess who rang up my purchase? Yep, the sick guy. So, in addition to my new soldering iron and solder, Radio Shack attempted to throw in a case of the stomach flu.

I pretty much rule. Lets just get that out in the open first. Anyway, here is my idea:

A zombie movie set in Mexico. The cause of the zombie outbreak is pollution from American companies that moved to Mexico to avoid U.S. environmental protection laws. This is pure gold - I have no idea why I’m not a millionaire yet. Anyway, the pollution seeps into the ground and causes corpses to crawl out of their graves. It gets better. The zombies are pissed at the Americans because they somehow know what has caused them to come back from the dead. The movie ends as the zombies reach the American/Mexican border and an epic battle between the dead fellars and U.S. border patrol ensues. Here’s the coolest part - the movie will be titled “The Pacolypse“.

Have you ever been embarrassed at a party because of your healthy looking smile? Are you tired of taking crap from your jackbone friends for not using drugs? Do you feel like an out of place southerner? If you answered yes to any of these questions, Marvin’s Meth Teeth may just be what the doctor ordered. Developed in labs right here in the hills of Tennessee, Marvin’s Meth Teeth aim to give you that strung out look without the messy side effects associated with meth and crack usage. Dainer Cross, founder and president of Marvin’s Meth Teeth in Oliver Springs, Tennessee, came up with the idea after being knifed in Dandridge late one evening. “I got cut because I had a nice set of choppers. They thought I was some sort of agent or something. I grew up in Newport and we never got past the wacky tobacky. Hence, my choppers, aside from one that got chipped by an errant horseshoe thrown by my cousin Ernie, are in pretty good shape. A man can only get knifed so many times. So after a couple days of thinking while in the hospital, I came up with my Marvin’s Meth Teeth, named after the son of a gun that stuck me”.

Marvin’s Meth Teeth will initially be sold at the Alcoa highway Green Acres flea market, but agreements are being solidified to make them available this spring at concessions stands at local sporting events (tee-ball games, little league football, etc.) throughout east Tennessee. They will also be available for junior high and high school fundraisers.

Well, I went to the doctor yesterday and he told me I had the Norwalk virus. First and foremost I am glad the doctors diagnosis didn’t require a thorough examination - if you know what I mean. Secondly, I was glad it was just a virus and not anything more serious. Heres the bad news though. You can’t get the Norwalk virus from your coffee table. Its passed through feces from an infected person. Super. Bottomline, I eat lunch out everyday and apparently one of meals in the last few weeks came with a side of crap. Heres the other bad news. I told people I had the Norwalk virus. Why would I tell anyone? Good thing I’m so damn handsome.

I am the velvet mantis, and I am no good at Halo Live. To date, I have 145 loses and 2 wins. That’s a 1.3% winning percentage. Basically, I have a slightly better chance at winning a Halo match than I do of living to be 116 (1 in 2 Billion). The odds are also in my favor when comparing it to the chance of me getting killed by a dog (1 in 700,000). Additionally, I will probably win another game of Halo before I die in my bathtub (1 in 1 million) or before a vending machine kills me (13 deaths a year). And yes, I will probably chalk up another victory before some space debris sends me 6 feet under (1 in 5 billion). I will say this though about odds. I felt that I was pretty safe from having a bird crap on my nose when I was trying to talk this one girl on a sixth grade field trip, but they were definitely not in my favor that day.

“All the kings horses and all the kings men, couldn’t put humpty dumpty together again”. I gotta think if I wanted to save an egg man, I probably wouldn’t have sent the horses to do the job. As you can see from the image on the left, the horses hoofwall and heel would present problems with egg reassembly.

I don’t like the furniture store on Kingston Pike which uses folks in costumes as a gimmick to attract customers. Nothing really stirs me up, but each time I cruise by the O’Charley’s and see Charlie Brown or the Lion from the Wizard of Oz holding a sign advertising discount dressers or half off entertainment room furnishings, it annoys me. First, I’m not mad at the dude in the costume. I’m just mad at the store. Pride is what gets me. I could be wrong, but it looks like they are using homeless folks. So, heres the scenario. You’re down on your luck, feeling bad about yourself, and broke. What better way is there to stroke your ego than to have some crap furniture store manager ask you to dress up like a Wonder Twin, stand on the side of one of the busiest streets in K-town, and advertise a fiberboard coffee table at a 75% off. I will say ,though, that I like it when they take smoke breaks. Nothings funnier to me than seeing a guy dressed up like Shrek, sans the lid, on a smoke break. Two weeks ago I saw the sign laying against a tree with a crumpled up Wendy’s bag at the foot of it. I’m guessin the guy just said to hell with it.

If anyone knows more about whats going on with this situation, fire me an email. (velvet at bugly.com)

First it was Roy Jones Jr.. Just as he graced the cover of EA Sports Fight Night 2004, Tarver made him grace the canvas for the first time in his career (2nd round K.O.). Then just 3 months later Glen Johnson helped him repeat the feat (9th round K.O.). Roy was 49-1 when EA released Fight Night 2004, with his only loss being a DQ as a result of him hitting a guy while he was down - a fight he was winning on every scorecard. Now he’s 49-3. Fast forward to this March as Bernard Hopkins, the Executioner, becomes the new coverboy for Fight Night Round 2. What happens? He loses for the first time in over 20 title defenses. Hopkins hadn’t lost since May of 1993 (to none other than Roy Jones Jr.).

That’s bad Karma..

Rug Doctor flat out rules! I recently sent Rug Doctor an email commenting on excellent performance of their Rug Doctor product. I have to admit, my letter was in jest and heavily influenced by the “Letters from a Nut” creator Ted L. Nancy (http://www.tednancy.com/). If you haven’t heard of Ted Nancy, please visit his site or pick up one of his two “Letters from a Nut” books. They are pretty much the funniest books ever - however my mom’s high school year book comes in a close second. Anyway, click the button below for the emails I sent and received from the Rug Doctor Folks. Bottomline, their product rules and they even sent me a free tshirt - image to be posted soon.

My Original Email

Hey,

I was kinda curious if the “Rug Doctor” is recognized as having earned a doctorate by any accreditted university. I have found through research that a number of so called “Doctors” are not, in fact, “Doctors”. Its not a big deal or anything, I just like to know this kinda stuff. I recently used your product, actually this weekend, after my wife inadvertently fed our jack russell terrier “Gerald” some chili. Believe me, there was no confusing with what made “Gerald” sick.

Anyway, does the “Rug Doctor” fall into the same catagory as Dr. J and Dr. Chapstick? If this is true, I am cool with it. I still like your product. I just don’t want to be in some conversation with a person I am trying to impress and make the mistake on commenting on the validity as to whether or not the “Rug Doctor” is actually a real “Doctor”.

PS - Cool Website - Is there anyway I could get a poster of the “Rug Doctor” product?

XXXX

XXXXX XX

Rug Doctor Reply #1

Dear XXXXX:

The name “Rug Doctor” is a registered and trademark company name and should

not be confused in any way with a physician or an accredited doctorate

degree from a college or university.

I have looked in our marketing literature and am sorry to say that we do

not have a poster size picture of our products or our “Steamy” logo.

However, I might be able to round up a Rug Doctor t-shirt if you would

like.

Thank you for your interest in Rug Doctor.

Jesse A. Warner, CHDM

Consumer Support Manager

Rug Doctor Reply #2

Thanks XXXXX. I wish I had a poster to send you, but unfortunately, there

is not much demand for such an item. Glad you liked our machine, products

and website. Regarding the “doctor” question, the only person in our

company that has a PhD is Dr. Schubert Pereira, our chief chemist. Hope

this helps.

All the best,

Ken Johnson

Sr. Vice President - Sales

My Second Email

Mr. Warner:

Thank you for the quick reply. Also, thank you ahead of time for preventing me from being embarrassed in conversation concerning the validity of the “Doctor” title. I once made a similar mistake concerning whether or not “Burger King” was actually a “King”. With respect to your offer of a Rug Doctor t-shirt, I would very much like one. There’s nothing I would rather do than show my support of the “Rug Doctor” by wearing a shirt. To bad I didn’t make pictures of “Gerald’s” mishap on my carpet. It would be pretty cool if I was wearing the shirt and had pictures to show people how the “Rug Doctor” took care of “Gerald’s” business. Oh well, it probably would wig people out anyway if I was carrying pictures of my dog’s “number 2″ (More like a 1.5 if its consistency counts). Thanks again and have a great week!

Please send a Xlarge shirt to:

XXXX XXXX

XXXX XXX XXXXX

XXXX XX XXXXX

Continue the good work!

XXXXX

After years of frustration, it appears the American Dental Association (ADA) has finally made some headway in the fight against cavities. A once unthinkable arrangement has formed between the ADA and Nestle foods. Per the agreement, this Halloween Nestle will not only stock supermarkets with Kit Kats, Smarties, and Milky Bars, but also Rectos. Rectos, developed by the Nestle Rolos division, is the first candy to be produced in suppository form. Nestle believes that Rectos will be appealing to parents who want their children to experience the fun of Halloween, but not at the expense of dental damage due to the egregious amounts of candy consumption typically found during the holiday.

Following the success of their popular poppymint line of restroom snacks, SweatPea Candies announced today that they will soon be offering an entry level product. The product, which will be marketed under the name “Headnuts”, is an inexpensive, maintenance free, restroom snack targeting the small business owner. Teddy Davis, president of SweatPea Candies, seemed extremely excited about the new product line during a recent interview with Janitorial magazine. “We realized that in this tight economy, our budget minded customers were forced to choose between stocking their bathrooms with our delicious restroom snacks and paper for the fax machine. Frankly, that made me sick. If the American small business owner can’t afford to offer their bathroom patrons pre-unwrapped candies, then what’s next, no toilet paper as well? We at SweetPea Candies knew we could do something? Thats why we are proud to introduce the Headnuts product line.”

The Headnuts line requires no display, unlike its chips and salsa predecessor, and maintenance is a snap. As seen in the picture above, the Headnuts simply slide on and off of the flush handle.

In documents released this morning from the United States bankruptcy court in Myrtle Beach, the super-hero known as Aquaman has filed for Chapter 13 bankruptcy protection. Aquaman cited a number of financial and personal setbacks that led to the filing. Aquaman was suspended from the justice league in 1989 after several members criticized his mishandling of the Exxon Valdez oil spill. He was expelled just six months later after a Carnival Cruise ship picked up a significantly intoxicated Aquaman off the coast of Cuba. Then in 1998 Aqua-man lost the support of his most loyal companions, the ocean creatures, after signing a deal with Hormell foods to endorse “Seahorse Jerky - the Beef Jerky of the Sea”. Currently Aquaman is working as a bus driver for the Myrtle Beach Metro Transit Authority.

Colodonk, the worlds premier manufacturer of commercial bathroom products, will introduce the new “Smart Can” seat at this November’s annual Plumbers First convention in Bristol Tennessee. The new “Smart Can” has been tauted as a product that will revolutionize the toilet seat industry, similar to the way the toothbrush changed dental care in the early 1900’s. Although details are still emerging, two features have been released. First, Colodonk has teamed with the folks at the Seally Mattress Company in efforts to make a seat so comfortable that a person could fall asleep during a sitting. The second feature, which is sure to please those who utilize public restrooms frequently, is a small liquid crystal display which can be found directly in the bend of the horseshoe shaped seat. The display, not unlike the odometer on a automobile, will tally the number of patrons that sit down on the toilet seat. The LCD, as seen in the image above, will provide both total and daily numbers of visitors (daily totals reset every 24 hours). Reese Conger, president of Colodonk, sees this as a major improvement to the current products available today. During a meeting with shareholders Reese explained the benefits of the new LCD feature - “Imagine its 4:30 and you can’t decide if you want to go at work or wait till you make it home. Its as easy as checking the display and deciding if its in your best interest to be the 139th patron thats visited this particular seat today. Its a scary world with scary germs and we want out customers to have all the information before they make that non refundable deposit.” There was no comment on whether or not the “Smart Can” would have rollback protection.

SweatPea Candies of Oliver Springs, Tennessee will be installing their new “PoppyMint” line of products in restrooms throughout the South this coming fall. Looking to capitalize on an untapped niche market, SweatPea Candies will install “chips and salsa” baskets in over 8,000 public restrooms directly above the toilet paper dispensers (image forthcoming). Company president Teddy Davis says their goal of first to market in the restroom snackfood industry is almost a reality. SweatPea Candies isn’t going to stop there because in the 1st quarter of 2004 they will introduce an unwrapped chocolate candies bin that will be installed directly above the flush lever that accompanies most mens stand-up urinals. “We know theres already enough to worry about with the zipping, unzipping, and positioning men have to do when using the stand up urinal, and we don’t want to have our customers worrying about unwrapping a piece of candy too–we want them to just dig right in and get a handful”, marketing director Joel Toasten said while defending the decision to have the snacks pre-unwrapped.

Word has it that SweetPea Candies is already beta testing the concept in Asia. The product code-named “Shushi”, will be similar to its American counterpart but dispenses Sushi to restroom visitors.

When someone is attractive, people say things like he has a cute face or she’s got a pretty face. Sometimes they single out just parts of the face and say things like he has a great smile or she’s got nice eyes. Rarely, however, do people compliment the whole head. If the person does have a nice head, I think a compliment addressing the whole head is in order. Something to the effect of “he or she has got a pretty good head” would be appropriate. The word cranium could be substituted depending on the person in question. Noggin, noodle, biscuit or block should probably never be used.

One - I find it kinda weird that in some zombie movies the zombies move real slow and stiff like (i.e. Land of the Dead), while in other movies they move really fast (i.e. Dawn of the Dead), flailing all about. It seems to me that most zombie movie makers agree on the characteristics of zombies, what they eat and how they’re killed, so why are there two camps when it comes to their movements? I bet the show fear factor would tank it big time in a zombie world.

Two - I was at my buddies lake house this weekend with some of our good friends. At some point we had a conversation about what we would like to do if we could change careers. One of my buddies said he would like to be a train conductor. I gotta say I had a better chance winning the lottery than predicting he would say train conductor. After a quick search of the information highway, here are some of operational tasks of a train conductor:

- Verify time with engineer to ensure departure follows timetable schedules.
- Review schedules, switching orders, and shipping records to obtain cargo loading and unloading information.
- Coordinate crew activities.
- Signal engineer to begin train run, stop train, or change speed.
- Confer with traffic control staff and engineer to give and receive instructions.
- Supervise workers who inspect and maintain mechanical equipment.
- Inspect sealing procedures of freight cars, record car and seal number, and confirm route and destination of car.
- Monitor and chart train movements to estimate arrival times into station or yard.
- Direct staff in the yard to switch track, change traffic signals, and couple or uncouple trains.
- Observe track to make decisions about how to accommodate incoming and outgoing trains.
- Document any changes or problems on train or in transport.
- Observe and communicate with passengers. Resolve problems to ensure their safety and comfort.
- Collect fares and answer questions from passengers.

After I read the above list I could see why my buddy would want to be a train conductor. At the lake he’s always coordinating trips in the boat. He communicates well with passengers and is always willing to answer questions - albeit in a jackass type fashion. And from what I can tell he inspects things pretty well - he’s a freakin prodigy at poker. I guess the only reason I can’t picture him in this type of career setting (or any career setting for that matter) is cause he told me that he took a number two in flower pot at one of our other buddies house one time.

I’ve decided I want to be a YardMaster. On a side note, one of us, who will go unnamed, said that if she could go pro in any sport it would be synchronized swimming. She was being serious.

Three - I’m reading Kurt Vonnegut’s Slaughterhouse Five. I love the classics…as long as they are less than 250 pages. I’m pretty sure I’ll never read Watership Down. Give me Steinbecks “The Pearl” or “Of Mice and Men” any day of the week.

Four - My friend Ted (www.just-teddy.com), Kwaz, and I went bowling this past Friday. Kwaz had a couple of beers and he bowled a 230 something. Ted had a couple of beers which resulted in him doing a backspin after one roll on his way to a smooth 100. To be honest, after about beer five for Teddy I’m not sure he was even carrying a ball up to the lane anymore. He just danced. For the record, he is equally as skilled at dancing as he is at bowling.

Five - Music for the week. I picked up a couple of albums this week - Fu Man Chu’s “California Crossing” and Modest Mouse’s “The Moon and Antartica”. Also, I bought two singles off iTunes - Johnny Cash’s “The Man Comes Around” and Jim Carrol’s “People Who Died”.

See the animal in it’s cage that you built
Are you sure what side you’re on
Better not look him too closely in the eye
Are you sure what side of the glass you are on

McJack@ss (mic ‘ jak ‘ @ss) - 1. A employee of the fast food chain McDonalds who engages in clown-like activity (i.e. Terry “lettuce hands” Simpson - pictured to the left). 2. A customer who thought the McRib was good. 3. A parent who encourages their child to play in the McDonalds play area without first allowing their food to settle. The end result of this type of activity is vomit and or an unappreciated odor.

I’ve decided I am going to be a trend setter. I am going to start backward belt Wednesdays. Some say I’m a dare devil. Tomorrow I am going to wear my belt backwards. Not backwards with the buckle in the back, but backwards in that the whole belt will be worn inside out. Pictures to be posted tomorrow. I can feel the excitement. Join in the fad, send me your backwards belt pictures (velvet at bugly.com).

Next week I might start no toothpaste Tuesday.

Tonights Soundtrack: System of a Down - Toxicity
Tonights Stupid Idea: Backward Belts
Tonights Question: Why would someone name a disease Aspergers? Its already bad enough that its a disease. Why make it worse on the victim and name it something that is pronounced “Ass Burgers”.

Take a little trip, hater pack up yo’ mind
Look forward not behind, then you’ll see what you find

Not to be outdone by Ford and Chrysler’s recent success in re-releasing models previously retired, Chevy is going to bring back the 1977 classic cargo van. Details are still emerging, but early word has it that it will either be called the Chevy Pervert or the Kidnap Cargo Van. Dealers will be required to conduct a full background investigation on all potential buyers.

I have a real knack for writing childrens stories. This is one I plan to submit to the Little Golden Books publishing company. “Todd and the Space People” One night while looking out his bedroom window, Todd saw a small blue spaceship land in the woods behind his house. Immediatley Todd got up and decided he wanted to go get a closer look. Figuring that a long trip would make anyone hungry, Todd gathered some food from the kitchen cupboard to bring to the space people. He put one jar of peanut butter, one jar of jelly, and a loaf of bread in a paper bag and ran out the back door and into the woods. Todd slowly walked up to the small blue spaceship so as not to scare the space people. Once Todd got close to the door on the spaceship, it opened and three strange creatures came out. The strange creatures were like nothing Todd had ever seen. They were yellow and had three legs, one arm, and their heads were square with an eye in the middle. The tall one had a red eye, the short one had a brown eye, and the middle one had a black eye. The tall one reached out and shook Todd’s hand while the other two unloaded a few items from the space ship. Todd was really happy when the space people began to sing and dance. Upon hearing all the noise from the woods, many of Todd’s neighbors became scared. Several of the men got together and decided to go and see what was causing the raucous . Todd saw the men approaching the space people. He could tell they were angry and scared. The space people stopped singing and dancing because they were also terribly frightened. Todd explained to his neighbors that the space people were harmless. At that moment the space people began to sing and dance again. Todd’s neighbors joined in the fun too! After several hours of singing and dancing, one by one Todd’s neighbors left until he was once again alone with the space people. “What a night I’ve had” Todd thought to himself. Todd then prepared to say his goodbyes. Todd told the space people goodnight and wished them a a safe journey back home. As Todd turned to walk away, the tall one grabbed his hand while the other two grabbed his legs. The space people then barbecued Todd. The short one made a handbag out of skin taken from Todd’s Torso. The End.

It’s March 31, 2005 and I am issuing a challenge to all the fifty nifty. You want some, you get some. So here it is. I am going to play and defeat someone in every state in the great sport of table tennis (ping pong to you knuckle heads). So, bring it on. I am accepting all challengers. So step up or get back in the kiddy pool. A lotta ya might have heard of me..If not, you’re gonna after I woop you a couple of times (big ups to Mr. Bean).

Like gravy to potatoes, Luke to Darth Vader, I’m a souped up sucker and I’ll see you all later..