So I went to the Knoxville sports hall of fame banquet tonight where Lou Holtz was the guest speaker. I gotta say, Lou motivated me. Two things from his speech really hit home. One, he said if you didn’t make it home tonight, would anyone miss you and why? Basically, are you living for yourself or do you make an impact where you mean something to someone? That’s the type of question that makes you take a long look at yourself. All I could come up with was that I think I am pretty nice to gas station attendants. Does that count? The other impact point Lou made was four fold. He said he lives each day making sure he has something to do, has someone to love, has something to believe in, and has something to hope for. Pretty cool eh?
The coolest part of the event was that the proceeds are going to the area Boys and Girls Clubs. This year they sold a record number of tickets - something like 1400 @ $125 a pop. I’m a product of the Oak Ridge Boys Club (don’t hold it against them) and sitting in the audience tonight made me think about some good times I have had there. My first year of Boys Club tee-ball I passed out in right field during one of our games. That taught me about dehydration. My first year of Boys Club basketball I learned that my mom (all 4 feet 10 of her) would never require a bull horn to make herself heard. Not sure what that taught me, but I love my mom and she’s been begging me to put her in the blog (ain’t that right ma?). In my first Boys Club baseball game the opposing pitcher hit the first two batters and then proceeded to plunk me. That taught me that I am scared of the ball and that a snow cone doesn’t make up for getting hit in the kidney. The Boys Club enabled me to learn how to play pool, ping-pong, bumper pool, wiffle ball, air hockey, fooseball, and a game associated with farting on your buddies head when he ties his shoes. I also learned that even though I may have been interested in some of the activities in the Boys Club art room, it was in my best interest and personal safety not to pursue them. And finally, whenever I got a bad report card, the Boys Club was always a good place to go and temporarily forget about the scolding I would undoubtedly receive when I finally made it home.
Have you ever been embarrassed at a party because of your healthy looking smile? Are you tired of taking crap from your jackbone friends for not using drugs? Do you feel like an out of place southerner? If you answered yes to any of these questions, Marvin’s Meth Teeth may just be what the doctor ordered. Developed in labs right here in the hills of Tennessee, Marvin’s Meth Teeth aim to give you that strung out look without the messy side effects associated with meth and crack usage. Dainer Cross, founder and president of Marvin’s Meth Teeth in Oliver Springs, Tennessee, came up with the idea after being knifed in Dandridge late one evening. “I got cut because I had a nice set of choppers. They thought I was some sort of agent or something. I grew up in Newport and we never got past the wacky tobacky. Hence, my choppers, aside from one that got chipped by an errant horseshoe thrown by my cousin Ernie, are in pretty good shape. A man can only get knifed so many times. So after a couple days of thinking while in the hospital, I came up with my Marvin’s Meth Teeth, named after the son of a gun that stuck me”. 
Well, I went to the doctor yesterday and he told me I had the Norwalk virus. First and foremost I am glad the doctors diagnosis didn’t require a thorough examination - if you know what I mean. Secondly, I was glad it was just a virus and not anything more serious. Heres the bad news though. You can’t get the Norwalk virus from your coffee table. Its passed through feces from an infected person. Super. Bottomline, I eat lunch out everyday and apparently one of meals in the last few weeks came with a side of crap. Heres the other bad news. I told people I had the Norwalk virus. Why would I tell anyone? Good thing I’m so damn handsome.
I am the velvet mantis, and I am no good at Halo Live. To date, I have 145 loses and 2 wins. That’s a 1.3% winning percentage. Basically, I have a slightly better chance at winning a Halo match than I do of living to be 116 (1 in 2 Billion). The odds are also in my favor when comparing it to the chance of me getting killed by a dog (1 in 700,000). Additionally, I will probably win another game of Halo before I die in my bathtub (1 in 1 million) or before a vending machine kills me (13 deaths a year). And yes, I will probably chalk up another victory before some space debris sends me 6 feet under (1 in 5 billion). I will say this though about odds. I felt that I was pretty safe from having a bird crap on my nose when I was trying to talk this one girl on a sixth grade field trip, but they were definitely not in my favor that day.
“All the kings horses and all the kings men, couldn’t put humpty dumpty together again”. I gotta think if I wanted to save an egg man, I probably wouldn’t have sent the horses to do the job. As you can see from the image on the left, the horses hoofwall and heel would present problems with egg reassembly.
